“Jenny, my daughter, is insisting I move in with her,” complains Martha. “She just wants to control my life and take away my freedom.” Jenny worries that her mother keeps falling, and fears one day she will break her hip or hit her head. When Jim, Jenny’s brother, hears about her plan, he says, “I’ll take my sister to court before I will let her get control of mom and my inheritance.”

Mary, who cared for her aging mother, was sued by her sister who claimed that Mary abused the older woman and stole her Social Security checks.

Noah, one of five siblings, wouldn’t let any of his brothers or sisters visit their elderly father: he was convinced they would “take advantage” of him.

It is amazing how quickly formerly cordial relationships between family members sour when the family has to care for elderly parents or deal with inheritance issues after their death. Sometimes the consequences can break families apart and create long-lasting animosity.
The National Care Planning Council has seen an increase in requests from care giving children for help in solving disputes with siblings. In many instances, these disputes devolve into a “she said, he said” impasse—with neither party really understanding what the elder person needs or wants.

Some family members find it hard to communicate with each other when their parent is in need of care. Perhaps they were not raised to work out problems together so that as adults they don’t have a family council strategy to rely on. Such a process may seem unnatural to them. But that is often exactly what is needed, especially in situations in which one child is caring for the parents and the others are left out of the loop.

Children all have a common bond to their parents and as a result a common obligation to each other. When disagreements arise, suspicions begin to grow. Suspicions or distrust often leads to anger which in turns causes people to sever the channels of communication between them. This can occur between parent and child, between siblings or between all of them.

This is when it’s often best for a neutral third party to enter the discussion to repair the damage that has been done and help correct the problems. A practitioner experienced in elder mediation is a perfect choice for these situations.

What Is Elder Mediation And Why Is It Advantageous?

Mediation is a non-adversarial approach to solving disputes. Mediation is a process of bringing two or more disputing parties together and having them mutually negotiate a solution to their disagreement. The mediator is not a judge and does not render a decision but is there to make sure that communication flows freely between the disputing parties. Elder Mediators are trained in the art of negotiating resolutions between elderly parents and family members.

Mediation can achieve results that the family by itself may not be capable of realizing or have the expertise to achieve. Elder Mediation is valuable because having a trained expert in communication:

• Gives the family a perspective it could not gain by meeting together on its own
• Allows all family members involved to meet and prevent problems from arising by anticipating situations that may cause disputes
• Can invite other experts, such as care managers or other care providers, to the meeting to educate the family and give them a new perspective
• Allows parents to focus on their abilities rather than their limitations
• Allows children to come up with and consider options not thought of previously
• Encourages uninvolved family members to become involved
• Allows parents to express wishes and desires that had previously gone unuttered
• Allows for a neutral third party to challenge family members and make them take responsibility for their actions
• Promotes consensus of all involved which in turn creates a much higher rate of compliance with the plan than with any other process (the success rate for compliance with elder mediation is estimated to be about 80% to 85%)
• Requires a written plan with specific responsibilities which makes compliance feasible.

Many national organizations and companies provide expertise in Elder Mediation to help seniors and their families. Many mediators often have many coincident professional accreditations such as Professional or Geriatric Care Manager, Elder Attorney, Clinical Social Worker or Certified Mediator.

In choosing a mediator, consider your needs. Does your parent require a medical assessment to determine the type of care? Are legal concerns at issue, whether over inheritance, family business or assigning the power of attorney? Or do you just need to bring the family together to decide what needs to be done and who will do it?

“Bringing a neutral person with a professional and compassionate attitude into our disputes was the best thing for all involved,” said Connie, a woman I know who struggled for months over health and safety issues before she enlisted the service of a professional care manager mediator. “My parents shared their concerns and listened with acceptance to mine. All of a sudden we could communicate and work out a plan that they could live with; then, I could relax knowing they were safe.”

How Do I Find An Elder Mediator?

You can find Elder Mediators by:

• Looking under “mediation” in your local phone book
• Contacting your local senior services agency
• Asking friends and neighbors
• Contacting a nearby college or university and asking for a mediation referral
• Contacting your state bar association

RESOURCES

You can also go online to Google “mediation” or visit The National Care Planning Council ^[1]’s website that lists Professional Mediators throughout the United States.

For other helpful resources, contact ^[2]The 4 Steps of Long Term Care Plannin ^[2]g (National Care Planning Council).